SOS

I’m just so fucking sad and disappointed in myself and life and everything. I have worked so hard to get my BA and my MA, I’ve gone to three universities, I’ve worked a bunch of part time, minimum wage jobs, I literally moved to a different continent to get an affordable education and I come back here and I apply to job after job after job and I hear NOTHING back from anyone and I am at the end of my rope tbh. I can’t stay in this town anymore I want to die most of the time when I’m here there is NOTHING here for me or anyone else, it’s a dead end and it’s filled with townies who have zero ambition and Stepford Wives who are one more shot of botox away from looking like real, actual goddamn robots and I just HAVE to get OUT of here. I want to be a writer, I need to network and get out there and that’s why I am so desperately trying to get to California or New York or somewhere that feels like LIFE is actually happening because let me tell you what it’s NOT happening here. When I boarded my flight in London in September to come back here (after applying for jobs in England for MONTHS and hearing nothing) I took a Xanax and drank two mini bottles of Spanish wine and still had a panic attack as I wept because I KNEW I’d be trapped here and I’d never get out and once again my instincts were right.

I am drowning. And there’s no lifeguard on duty.

Us

There are those of us
who roam alone,
who search for fleeting
love,
or escapable intimacies,
who need to touch you
just one more time
or for the first time
because their fear
ate them alive
the last time,
who imagine love
like yellow flowers
and sunshine
in flowing summer fields,
but know that isn’t real
but a fantasy from a movie
or a song
or a poem
they came across
many lives ago,
probably in winter
when their heart was frozen
by the snow,
and they needed to believe
the warmth would come again,
who see themselves
amongst the stars,
floating in the blackness of
the deepest part of space,
until they shock themselves awake,
and realise their mind is actually
the darkest spot
in the universe,
and no matter what they wear to sleep,
the bed stays cold,
even in the summer heat.

Original Work: Kelsey H. 5/1/17