People

People love to pretend that everything will be ok, and will work out. But the ugly, ugly truth is we don’t know that that’s true. There’s no guarantee in life that everything will work out? Or that everything happens for a reason? Or that we’ll all end up happy? Or find love? It’s all a fairytale. And no one wants to admit that to themselves, or to others. But it’s true. I can’t pretend like things are ok or my life is going the way I want it to or that things will work out. Because none of that is true. Because I don’t know if they will. I have lived a very blessed life, and I am grateful for it. But I can’t pretend like certain things aren’t missing. Yes I have traveled and seen some of the most beautiful cities in the world, and for that I am eternally grateful, and truly, truly blessed, and thankful. But I’ve never felt love, true love, and that makes am very sad. I’ve never felt like anyone’s first choice. I’ve always felt like a burden. And that hurts. I feel very alone most of the time, and it’s very painful. Isolation and loneliness can kill you. But you have to try and keep fighting. And I am trying. I’m trying. Trying.

K

How Not To Get A Job: Day IV

Buy new sneakers for working out since you left your last pair in London, back in September. Make plans to start working out again so your brain will make an effort to release endorphins, something it is typically lacking in, severely. Decide to be positive after your angry post last night.

How Not To Get A Job: Day II

Lie in bed after you’re awake because getting up doesn’t really matter. Write this post instead of searching for jobs because you know you’ll just get rejected again. Try to decide on lunch but you don’t have a car so you have to eat whatever is leftover in the house from dinner. Try to keep going.