Applied for a few jobs the past couple days! Fingers crossed something works out! x
People love to pretend that everything will be ok, and will work out. But the ugly, ugly truth is we don’t know that that’s true. There’s no guarantee in life that everything will work out? Or that everything happens for a reason? Or that we’ll all end up happy? Or find love? It’s all a fairytale. And no one wants to admit that to themselves, or to others. But it’s true. I can’t pretend like things are ok or my life is going the way I want it to or that things will work out. Because none of that is true. Because I don’t know if they will. I have lived a very blessed life, and I am grateful for it. But I can’t pretend like certain things aren’t missing. Yes I have traveled and seen some of the most beautiful cities in the world, and for that I am eternally grateful, and truly, truly blessed, and thankful. But I’ve never felt love, true love, and that makes am very sad. I’ve never felt like anyone’s first choice. I’ve always felt like a burden. And that hurts. I feel very alone most of the time, and it’s very painful. Isolation and loneliness can kill you. But you have to try and keep fighting. And I am trying. I’m trying. Trying.
“I don’t know what brings broken people together
maybe damage seeks out damage.”
Apply for another job in SoCal, crossing your fingers that this one works out because you love the company and really, really, want to work there! Good vibes, good vibes.
London Time: Jessie Baylin
“and if you have the ability to love
love yourself first.”
Charles Bukowski, “how to be a great writer”
Buy new sneakers for working out since you left your last pair in London, back in September. Make plans to start working out again so your brain will make an effort to release endorphins, something it is typically lacking in, severely. Decide to be positive after your angry post last night.
“You Don’t Own Me” (feat. G-Eazy): Grace
Cleopatra: The Lumineers
“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.”
Mary Anne Radmacher
Lie in bed after you’re awake because getting up doesn’t really matter. Write this post instead of searching for jobs because you know you’ll just get rejected again. Try to decide on lunch but you don’t have a car so you have to eat whatever is leftover in the house from dinner. Try to keep going.
15,000+ words of my novella are written, but I cannot, for the life of me, get back into writing it, and it makes me so frustrated. I really hope I can get that motivation back soon.